What’s the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
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First-year students at North Carolina State University’s Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example,” the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”
Then he announced, “Life’s tough, it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.” The boy said, “My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna’ eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”
She replied, “What happened to my booger?”
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An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day while setting off to hunt, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
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