Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Every once in a great while we get the urge to combine bacon with… pretty much anything we can get our hands on. This time we drank a few too many screwdrivers (that’s vodka and OJ… in case you didn’t know) BEFORE breakfast and thought, “Hey! Wrap the hashbrown thingies in bacon… and bake!”

“Yes, Sir, Captain Belvedere! That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

* burp *

Bacon Wrapped Hashbrowns

The house started to smell pretty good as the slippery meat slowly drained its meaty juices into the hashbrowns and the hasbrowns drank up every drop.

Wow. That sounded pretty obscene.

But anyways, the cooking took place and soon we ventured back to the oven which we keep over near the fridge — the fridge that conveniently held the vodka and OJ. After doling out another round of 22 ounce pre-breakfast brain bashers and giving them a hearty taste test, we opened up the oven and saw…

Bacon Wrapped Hashbrowns

Needless to say we did not get the results we thought we would, but everything turned out OK in the end… ‘cuz it tasted fine and we had no choice BUT to eat the stuff since we had nothing else in the house worth eating and none of us could pass a sobriety test if we got pulled over.

All this before 9 AM. Saturdays ROCK!

We write this blog entry for the REAL motherfroggers out there in Bacon Land… for the HARDWORKING bastards (like us) who just can’t seem to catch a break these days.

The other week we ran into some serious financial woes and found ourselves scrounging for change in the sofa cushions and having to actually plan our meals instead of just opening the fridge/freezer, picking a bacon, selecting a ’side item’, cooking and eating.

Below you will see chicken breasts that we cut into smaller, no longer man-sized portions, and wrapped w/ a few slices of black pepper bacon we had left over from a previous bacon feast.

Pepper Bacon Wrapped Chicken Chunks

Though we did feel incredibly grateful that we at least had food to eat, making what you see in the photo last for 2 dinners and 2 lunches really sucked. Thankfully we had lots of crack cocaine to smoke between meals so we never felt any hunger pains. LOL.

The other day a friend sent us a picture that made our mouths water more than normal. And yes, you dumbass, the picture had bacon in it.

Bacon Wrapped Scallops at Buck Ridge Plantation

Now just imagine getting a picture of a TROUGH filled w/ bacon-wrapped scallops — after you’d just finished eating a lame ass, generic brand hot dog. Granted the hot dog had a jacket of bacon, but still… Scallops trump hot dog ANY damn day!

WTF is Buck Ridge Plantation?

So glad you asked! Our friends tell us people travel from all over the SC area to go there, stay for a few days, and do some serious deer hunting… or they go there for a wedding. LOL.

Seriously, though. The place has a ton of natural, South Carolina wilderness surrounding well-maintained, modern banquet halls and stuff. Clearly an ideal place to have a beautiful wedding — or blast a hole in some of Mother Nature’s best woodland creatures — and kick back with a bucket of bacon-wrapped scallops and cold beer!

Everyone knows we love bacon and that we judge all things solely on their bacon content. OK, so not all things, but it almost sounded believable for a minute, right?

At any rate, when you go out for lunch and order a sandwich with bacon in it, you expect to get real bacon, not some lame excuse for bacon. Limp, greasy strips of mystery ‘meat’ need not apply!

So it should come as no surprise that we frequent a hot little lunch spot called Four Moons Internet Cafe in Orangeburg, SC because it has the best looking and tasting bacon of ANY lunch spot in the area. They use good quality Applewood Bacon and cook it just right so that you get a perfect crispiness-to-meatiness ratio when you bite into your sandwich.

Need proof? We thought you would, so we asked the proprietor to snap us a picture of the bacon they use before it goes on a sandwich. Check it out!

Great Lookin’ Applewood Bacon at Four Moons Internet Cafe

Damn… Judging by the amount of drooling going on right now, it seems as though lunch plans just got made for tomorrow! Hope to see ya’ there!

Advice for Other Lunch Shops:

• See the bacon above? If you bacon doesn’t like as good or better, then your sandwiches will suck moose crap!

• No deli should even consider calling itself ‘Gourmet’ unless they take as much care and concern for the quality of the bacon they top a sandwich with as they do all the other ingredients. No one cares about a sandwich made w/ fresh bread or a fancy mustard spread if the bacon sucks, ya’ dig?

• A lot more people judge a deli by its bacon than you think. Know why? Because delis charge extra for it and 99.9% of people inthis world pay close attention to the things they have to pay extra for. Think about it!

• Go have lunch at Four Moons Internet Cafe, enjoy your meal, and while you’re there… try learn a thing or two about the proper usage of bacon on a sandwich, will ya’?

As would only make sense on a web site devoted to bacon and all its salty, meaty goodness… we will now present the most popular entries on More Bacon Please for the month of December. So get your bibs on, people! It’s BACON TIME!

• Duck Prosciutto Wrapped Melon Sorbet — Talk about a delicious idea! Not bacon, no, but contained meat and tasted so good we gave it an Honorary Bacon Degree!

• Breakfast Meats Cure Hangovers — Groundbreaking new study ‘proves’ something we always suspected.

• Have a Threesome With Bacon — Get your minds out of the gutter, people! You should feel ashamed that you had those dirty, dirty thoughts… though we had them, too, so…

• Bacon Flavored Ice Cream — Although we do not approve of this product, we do approve of the word bacon in its title and on its ingredients list. We just refuse to eat bacon flavored ice cream.

• The Better Bacon Sandwich — Time to decide which sandwich with bacon you would choose. Granted we think it a sin to EVER pass up a chance to eat bacon, but just pretend for a minute that you HAD to choose only on sandwich that had bacon on it… We said pretend, damn it!

And this entry gets honorable mention… ‘cuz WE liked it even if the rest of you didn’t!

• Bacon Wrapped Kielbasa Links — Do we REALLY need to explain WHY we liked this entry so much? Huh? Do we? Bacon… Kielbasa… Mmmmm…

OK, we have had it up to HERE with all these fast food restaurants and chain restaurants filling up the airwaves, billboards and television commercials with their “Five Dollar” and “Dollar Menu” specials. Give it up, guys… Seriously. We get it already.

Have you ever wondered what exactly makes up the components of a “Value Meal”, what grade of ingredients go into a “five dollar meal”, and/or how much better you could eat for just two or three more dollars if you gave your dining plans more though than simply recalling the last overplayed commercial you heard or saw and marching sheep to the slaughter?

Well obviously WE did think about that ‘cuz we wrote a blog posting about it after discovering that in a sleepy little town in Orangeburg, SC we can get a sandwich that looks and tastes far better than…

Example of a ‘Five Dollar Special’ — Looks Kinda’ Sad, Right?

We won’t TELL you who made the sandwich above, but we feel confident you can figure that out on your own. If not, then no one, not even the God of Bacon Him or Herself can help you…

Oh, and did you even SEE any bacon on that sandwich? Nothing! Not even a small, salty sliver! Horifying! Absolutely horrifying!

Moving on, though, wouldn’t you rather stop into a place like Four Moons for lunch where you can get a sandwich like…

Triple Decker Sandwich… Has Visible Bacon!

Now for just a few dollars more we can get a sandwich that has large chunks of meaty, salty, tasty bacon piled high. No brainer, right?

So to conclude, perhaps YOU ought to expand your culinary range and explore some of your local eateries so that you, too, can find your own Four Moons lunchtime feast… instead of eating another one of those bargain priced meals.

The old addage still rings as true today as it did 100’s of years ago: You Get What You Pay For!

Every great once in a while a photo opportunity will come our way that we simply cannot turn down. This time a bombshell of a babe with a Harley Davidson practically begged us to photograph her and her motorcycle next to some totally gorgeous bacon.

Our mommas taught us better than to turn down the polite request of young lady with a healthy rack, so…

A recent study released by the Institute for the Development of Ridiculously Stupid Bacon Claims states that consuming large amounts of bacon and sausage will cure a hangover.

“After studying the results obtained from a double blind, half somersault experiment conducted at a friend’s house, we concluded that eating as much bacon and sausage after a long night of drinking will, in fact, cure a hangover… as long as you sleep a lot, drink lots of non-alcoholic fluids, and wait 48 hours before attempting to do anything useful.”

Critics argue that the study will give uneducated people the wrong idea about bacon’s healing powers and encourage people to drink excessively only because they think they will have an easy way to get around hangovers.

Authors of the study replied to that accusation by saying, “Uneducated people get what they deserve! If anyone takes studies like this seriously, well, they deserve a throbbing headache, nausea, cold sweats and vomiting!”

When we first told people about this pre-dinner treat that our waitress at Four Moons Restaurant slopped down in front of us, many people gave us funny looks and asked, “Uh, duck? With melon sorbet? WTF?!?”

At first we also wondered about the combination but once we stuffed this culinary treat into our feed holes, well, all doubts and suspicions vanished quicker than money from our bank accounts after a payroll direct deposit!

It may not look like much, partially due to the crappy photography skills and equipment that we possess, but it tasted AWESOME!

For those who have never had prosciutto, let alone DUCK prosciutto, you have seriously missed out on a kick ass meat! Now go out and try some, ya’ silly bastards!

In the past you have read how we save precious seconds in the morning by preparing bacon and other breakfast treats the night before. What you have NOT yet seen, though, may shock you.

Sometimes we get creative with the way in which we store the pre-cooked breakfast treats. Note: This usually happens after a long night of drinking… right before we head off to bed.

Judge us by our love of bacon and all its yummy friends and not by our art skills, please!