Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end…

He said… Want a quickie?

She said… As opposed to what?

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He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.She said… You wear briefs, don’t you?

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He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?She said… Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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He said… This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!She said… No problem, I’ll get you some that is.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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Priest… I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.She said… Who’s gonna look?

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He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?She said… No, have you?

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He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said… Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

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He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.She said… Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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He said… Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said… I would, but you’re never there.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said… That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said… Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

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AND FINALLY ONE FOR THE GUYS!

She said… What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

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Blakk Frogg says, “Lawyers make the world go around… and a very smelly place to live.”

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One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250 to spend the night with that woman.”

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.

She demanded the rest of the money, stating “If you don’t give me the other $125, I’ll sue you for it.”

He laughed, saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.”

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”

The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. “Your honor,” he said, “my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.”

The young lady’s lawyer answered, “Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted.”

In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: “Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages.”

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love passionately to her new husband, stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes, and accidentally let out an enormous fart.

She looked up bashfully, and said, “Aww. So sorry… Excuse please. Front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud!”

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his penis. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

“Oh look,” says the first nun. “It’s a soap dispenser.”

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Amazed, the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times, but nothing happens. Frustrated, she gives several more tugs… then yells… “Holy Mary, Mother of God! It’s a HAND LOTION DISPENSER TOO!”

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A small zoo in Oklahoma had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. “First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. “Second”, he said, “You can’t never tell no one about this.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. “Third”, Bobby Lee said, “I want all the chil’drun raised as Baptist.”

Once again it was agreed.

4. “And last of all”, Bobby Lee stated, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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Hey, you! Read Da’ Blakk Frogg Joke Blog or someone gets a fork in the eye at lunch tomorrow!

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

TONY says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little TONY, that’s a mouthful.”

Little TONY says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and puts the guy’s dick in the clamp. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, “STOP! STOP! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?”

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:

“Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

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Blakk Frogg has seen a case where ‘sex’ and fire have come together in the past…..

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