Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Two rednecks were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man’s face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Do you have any tobacco?” asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.

“Go faster!” said the passenger. “I don’t want to see him again!” So the driver pushed the speedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.

“Do you have a light?” said the old man’s face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.

“Drive faster!” said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. “What do you want from us?” screamed the passenger.

The old man gently replied “You jackasses want some help getting out of the mud?”

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Get your Redneck MySpace Comments while they’re hot!

Some people in West Virginia have trouble with all those “shalls” and “shall nots” in the in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren’t used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle West Virginia got together and translated the “King James” into “Mountain Country” language.

The Hillbilly’s Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at a West Virginia Church)

1. Just one God.
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
3. No tellin’ tales or gossipin’.
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin’.
5. Put nothin’ before God.
6. No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal.
7. No killin’.
8. Watch yer mouth.
9. Don’t take what ain’t yers.
10. Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.

Now that’s kinda plain an’ simple, don’t ya think? Y’all have a nice day!

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

“Bubba, you can’t get married yet,” insisted Ma. “You’re the baby of the family.”

“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I just had my 38th birthday last week.”

“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed, “but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

more ‘you might be a redneck’ jokes

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in and it runs like a river.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

4) Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d sure like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away, sweetheart.

8) Man – “Fat Penguin!”
Woman – “WHAT?”
Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

and…. saving the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name-First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: _____________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] 4×4 Weekly
[_] Hot Rods & Handguns

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

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What’s that? Can’t afford a new high chair for the little one? No problem! A trip to the hardware store with a mere $2.49 in loose change will solve your problems for at least a little while….

Americas Best MySpace Redneck Comments

Hope all going well in your world!

– blakk frogg

Due to the climate of political correctness

now prevailing in America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Carolinians, Virginians

and West Virginians

will no longer be referred to as

HILLBILLIES.

You must now refer to us as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS

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A small zoo in Oklahoma had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. “First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. “Second”, he said, “You can’t never tell no one about this.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. “Third”, Bobby Lee said, “I want all the chil’drun raised as Baptist.”

Once again it was agreed.

4. “And last of all”, Bobby Lee stated, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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Hey, you! Read Da’ Blakk Frogg Joke Blog or someone gets a fork in the eye at lunch tomorrow!

A professor at University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,

“How many people here believe in Ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Bubba the redneck raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Bubba replied, “Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you was talkin’ ’bout “Goats.”

—————–

When desperate for sex and out of goats, sometimes a person has to lower their standards a bit…..

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