Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A golfer looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, “Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree.”

You gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Well, OK… So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, “This just isn’t gonna be your day.”

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Oh man… the guy shoulda’ stayed home and read the stuff Blakk Frogg posts on Americas Best.

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A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Blakk Frogg does his part to keep the American MPG Rating as high as possible.

Are you doing YOUR part?

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Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

Sam asks “How will I recognize him?”

“That’s easy… He’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.”

So he shows him a prized filly.

“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nith earzth, can I see her mouf”?

The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nice mouf, can I see her twat”?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

“Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?”

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One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down, And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer.

He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!”

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “And why not? ”

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass.”

Management Lesson: “Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.”

Blakk Frogg’s Note: By any chance did Big John look like……. this?

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For most (rational) people, the idea of bacon not making sense does not compute. Square peg does not fit in the round hole and two plus two does not equal five, ya’ know what we mean?

So anyways, bacon equals bliss and we know of not one single time when bacon does not make sense. With that said, we DO know of an improper way to cook bacon, and naturally, we witnessed this near-calamity in our own home after a long night of drinking… and discussing bacon.

While we do not know for sure if the person who began the bacon cooking process meant to lay this out and proceed with the cooking as shown or not, because they passed out on the balcony, we do know that this particular bacon situation would have resulted in a Bacon Disaster.

No one likes a Bacon Disaster. No one.

Blakk Frogg received a version of the ‘alcoholic alphabet’ in an email earlier today and found it a little too…. bland. Therefore he added a few things quickly and re-posted it here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college, office holiday parties, weddings/funerals of relatives on the other side of your family and to some extent family reunions

B – Beer: Considered the most disgusting alcohol of all by many, but great for chugging and admit it, folks: the taste DOES grow on you after your first funnel

C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party and also the thing you no longer have once the fifth shot of Jose Cuervo kicks in

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D – Dancing: A favorite pasttime of almost every drunk; usually looks pathetic and involves excessive spin moves, twirls, arm flailing and erratic head jerking motions

E – Emergency: The keg has run dry and you have no one over 21 in your drinking party OR you live in a state where they do not sell alcohol on Sundays

F – Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet or small shrub puking your guts out and crying to the Heavens to make the world stop rotating so damned fast

G – Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, chugging beers and making fun of other people because they happen to puke… before you do

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H – Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was, how much you drank last night, and why you have only a handful of loose change left in your pocket despite having cashed your paycheck yesterday afternoon

I – Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party and tried to wash his hands in the fish tank

J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID that expired two years ago or stagger home through the back parking lot of the local police station

K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers… including the floor if not careful

L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol and the Person you ask not to let you hook up with anything TOO ugly after drinking five shots of Jager

M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying and paying your friends not to tell anyone about sasquatch you hooked up last Friday night

N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know, hope you didn’t sleep with, and hope to God you can avoid waking up while sneaking out of his or house/apartment/room

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O – Ouch: What you say while falling on your ass when you’re trying to walk home OR what you say when a friend announces he/she will go home with a hideous companion

P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer and also the thing that bonds and unites all females at the party and causes them to take group field trips to the rest room all the time

Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning… because you hooked up with a lard ass whose also drunken ass didn’t get out of the way so you could make it to the bathroom in time. Stupid lard ass shoulda’ moved

R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet or inthe back of your friend’s new car because… the window didn’t go down in time. Stupid window

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S – Sex: What you TRIED to do with that person you met last night while you were drunk… but passed out face down in her panties (or his boxers) instead

T – Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to realize there are only two beers left in the 12-pack and that I need to go to the store ASAP

U – Underage: Most of the drinking population at college bars

V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols because it mixes with pretty much ANYthing and allows inexperienced drinkers to get drunk in less than an hour

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W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X – X-Ray: How they can see into your belly before they force a chalk milkshake down your throat and pump your stomach

Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend and STILL denies that you have ever done all those horrible things that your friend so kindly recorded with his new cellphone camera… Stupid cellphone cameras

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Z – Zoned out: What you will be after drinking for 12 hours straight and not eating

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One can hardly watch TV these days without seeing one of those commercials where a person’s front door gets kicked in by a wannabe home invader, the home security alarm goes off, and the chickensh!t bad guy runs away like a little sissy. Blakk Frogg cannot STAND those commercials.

Well anyways, those commercials suck and they really don’t portray the REAL problem with home security these days. Yeah, sure, the poser of a bad guy took off like a beaten poodle when the alarm went off ‘cuz the goofball smashed the door in, but what about the bacon, huh?

Does an alarm go off when some terrible soul decides to raid the fridge during a house party? The poor bacon gets left to fend for itself — a real travesty.

Poor, poor bacon left to the mercy of strangers rummaging through the fridge looking for anything they can get their hands on…

Well not at Blakk Frogg’s house! He went and got him a Heavily Clawed Bacon Defense System. Yep. His bacon has 24 hour protection whether in the fridge, on the counter, or just coming the front door from the store.

Weighing somewhere around 10 pounds, the Heavily Clawed Bacon Defense System requires very little maintenance, operates if the power goes out (w/o batteries), and does not rely on some putz earning minimum wage in a ‘high tech call center’.

See below for a picture of Heavily Clawed Bacon Defense System in standby mode.

So there you have it, all you bacon thieves. We DARE you to try and steal MY bacon! You’ll lose so much skin so fast that even Hannibal Lechter will say, “Whoa, sir. That’s a lot of skin!”