Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Oh, you filthy-minded bacon lovers! I bet you thought you would see something DIRTY when you clicked the link and got to this page! Ha ha.

Black Pepper Bacon, Plumrose Premium Bacon and… You!

Well who doesn’t get all excited when they think about bacon and s-e-x, right? If the thought of getting into it with two hot, lean, salty types of bacon doesn’t get your motor running, you should seek professional help!

Here… Let our Bacon Nurses show you to your room…

We hope you enjoy the happy ending bacon massage! Ha ha…

Like serial killers trying to relive the moment of their last kill, we have returned to the scene of the crime… and brought with us some black pepper coated bacon for the ride! So, so tasty!

The black pepper coated bacon that captured the attention of our tastebuds comes from WalMart… and it comes in 24 ounce packages instead of 12 or 16 ounce packages like most other brands.

After doing a little math, and comparison shopping, we discovered that the per ounce cost for the pepper coated bacon exceeds the per ounce costs of ‘regular’ bacon by only a few pennies and that it does not come anywhere near the (inflated!) per ounce costs of some ‘premium’ brands of bacon.

Bacon that looks great, smells great, cooks great, tastes great… and doesn’t break the bank. How can any rational bacon-loving person not love THAT?

Ever get shot at… by bacon? We have. Not so much with this kind of bacon, though. Yeah, sure, it takes a few cheap shots at you like ALL bacon does when it cooks, but at least THIS type of bacon has yet to put bacon grease stains two feet the wall behind the stove like several other types have.

Now substitute your face for the wall. Yes. Bacon grease can and will go after your face from time to time so always keep your guard up when cooking even the finest grade of bacon.

If the site of that bacon does not make you start drooling, you really ought to check your pulse. Seriously.

Now if you will please excuse us, we have to go and get us some bacon! All this talk about bacon has made us HUNGRY!

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists..

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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While browsing through an unnamed personals magazine, for professional reasons, Blakk Frogg came across the following photograph and figured he ought to share it with the rest of you and call it “Pimp Looking for New Hoes”.

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Now if you will please excuse Blakk Frogg has a few ‘professional’ emails to send to somereal hot chicks who go by the screen names of ‘Dances With Dildos’, ‘Ready to Hump’, and ‘Ready to F##k Frogg’.

Two men are driving through Georgia when they get pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

“What the hell was that for?” the driver asks.

“You’re in Georgia, Boy,” the trooper answers. “When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

“I’m sorry, Officer,” the driver says, “I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license — he’s clean — so gives the guy his license back.

The trooper THEN walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacks HIM on the head with the nightstick.

“What’d you do that for,” the passenger asks.

“Just making your wish come true,” replies the trooper.

“Making WHAT wish come true,” the passenger asks.

“Because I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna turn to your buddy and say, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!'”

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“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster then 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

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“So you don’t know how to fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh…did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

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“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rodes, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

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“No sit we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”

Americas Best MySpace Vehicles Comments

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me …. it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

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One day the little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and! if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!”

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And the moral of this story is:

Always keep the condoms in your car.

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on just $800 a year!’

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Once in a while people create their own words, and this time Blakk Frogg jotted a few of them down w/ definitions for your reading pleasure. Well, OK, someone sent him an email and all he did was re-post it. Fine. You caught him. See if he cares.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit ( n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beezelbug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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We have never figured out for sure what makes a product ‘premium’, though we have noticed that things labeled as premium tend to cost more… so perhaps if you want something you manufacture to become ‘premium’, just raise the price, right?

Seems silly, and once more we digress from our intended topic… BACON!

Today’s bacon review features Plumrose Premium Bacon which normally comes with a pricetag that we don’t like… but we found it for a really great sale recently so here goes nothing!

Now that you have seen the packaging, which really did not inspire any feelings of bacon lust or bacon desire within our souls, we will now show you raw, naked bacon up close and personal. Parental discretion advised.

Wow! Did you see the size of her… Huh? Oh, right. Gotta’ keep this PG-13. Ha ha.

So anyways, the bacon looked pretty damn good laying out all naked like that… so we just HAD to turn up the heat, ya’ know?

Now who wants to see a ‘before and after’ picture featuring… bacon?

Verdict: We felt this bacon definitely lived up to its ‘premium’ labeling despite not costing us a week’s wages. It gave off a really good smell right out of the pack and cooked up relatively easily w/o shooting an excessive number of hot grease globs at us (see August 10, 2009’s Bacon Review: Fresh Market Bacon). We award Plumrose Premium Bacon 3.81 slices (out of 5) and suggest you try it next time it goes on sale.

Why wait for it to go on sale? Simple: Even bacon tastes better when you get it for less money, stupid!