Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

With the weekend just around the corner, Blakk Frogg would like to remind the World of things that can help its residents (especially YOU) realize that they may have a drinking problem…. but not Blakk Frogg 😛

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15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for “cow-tipping” with your Oldsmobile.

14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

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13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

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12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli ‘cuz his stash is running low.

11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes.

9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile.

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8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”

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4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.

3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

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1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge

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sarcasm makes me happy…. not that you care, though. Bitch.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

You’d make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You’re a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

I wish I’d known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!

What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

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One of my sons serves in the military.
He is still stateside, here in
California. He called me yesterday to
let me know how warm and welcoming
people were to him, and his troops,
everywhere he goes, telling me how people
shake their hands, and thank them for being
willing to serve, and fight, for not
only our own freedoms but so that
others may have them also.

But he also told me about an incident
in the grocery store he stopped at
yesterday, on his way home from the
base. He said that ahead of several people
in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha.

He said when she got to the cashier
she loudly remarked about the U.S.
flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her
smock. The cashier reached up and
touched the pin, and said proudly,”
Yes, I always wear it and probably aways will.”

The woman in the burkha then asked the
cashier when she was going to stop
bombing her countrymen, explaining
that she was Iraqi.

A gentleman standing behind my son
stepped forward, putting his arm around
my son’s shoulders, and nodding
towards my son, said in a calm and gentle
voice to the Iraqi woman:

“Lady, hundreds of thousands of men
and women like this young man have
fought and died so that YOU could
stand here, in MY country and accuse a
check-out cashier of bombing YOUR
countrymen. It is my belief that had you
been this outspoken in YOUR own country,
we wouldn’t need to be there today. But,
hey, if you have now learned how to speak
out so loudly and clearly, I’ll gladly
buy you a ticket and pay your way
back to Iraq so you can straighten out
the mess in YOUR country that you are
obviously here in MY country to avoid.”

Everyone within hearing distance cheered!

IF YOU AGREE____ Pass this on to all
your proud American friends…. and remember:

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Show your Patriotism by posting Patriotic MySpace Comments all over the place!

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,

Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide.

However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work. Play golf.

Note: Blakk Frogg hates golf, but for some reason he does like the view from certain golf carts…

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free jokes, comments and graphics

Modern Drunkard Magazine published a list which ALL real-time, real-life drinkers should follow: The 86 Rules to Drink By! (part one of nine)

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

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View The Rest of the List

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Blakk Frogg wants to go to Happy Hour…. as usual!

After living in the remote wilderness all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, “How about that! Here’s a picture lookin’ like ma’ daddy.”

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His w ife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”

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Poke fun at other Rednecks…. but be prepared ta’ fight!

Sporting events have always drawn large crowds and with so many events and types of sports to choose from, some of the slower sports have adopted the policy of having Crowd Participation events where fans in the stands get to interact up close and personal with some of their favorite, and least favorite, athletic personalities. See below for an example of such an event.

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Note: The player suffered only minor injury from the overzealous fan’s punch. The fan, on the other hand, spent 3 days in intensive care after getting rushed to the emergency romm for massive internal bleeding caused by a splintered Louisville Slugger getting rammed fast, hard and deep into his rectal cavity. Although the lacerations and abrasions did not threaten the fan’s life directly and cause the extended stay, the fan’s newly discovered allergy to pine tar did.

The infamous Blakk Frogg has always warned people to watch what they eat… because one never knows when a friend, or foe, may have “slipped a little green, inside their spaghetti” (from Biz Markie’s Pickin’ Boogers Song).

Now, however, thanks to the folks responsible for Americas Best MySpace Comments, the infamous Blakk Frogg also suggests that people also watch WHERE they eat. See below for details:

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The above image raises questions, oh yes it does:

1) Is there a Mrs. Tube Steak wandering the streets alone, desperate for a set of buns to get between before getting smothered with the special meat sauce?

2) What the hell’s IN the special meat sauce?

Now that Blakk Frogg’s Sarcasm has most likely ruined your ability to have lunch, he, too, will now go and puke up his breakfast.

Americas-Best.Com Makes the Booty Go… Pa-DOW!

Hungry for a really nice chicken sandwich w/ bacon? Cool! You came to the right place! Below you will see everything you need to assemble a chicken sandwich w/ bacon that will knock your grandmother’s socks off!

We did not include bread in that photo because we don’t CARE about bread at our house. We have some and we eat it but we certainly don’t care about it for you see, in our world ONLY MEAT MATTERS!

We make exceptions for things like cheese because it comes from meat and pasta sauce because it usually shows up in a dish that contains… meat.

In the next photo, though, we included bread… but only because it has cheese and pasta sauce on it!

These sandwiches tasted GOOD. End of story.

In a strange and unusual series of events, Blakk Frogg came across thye carcass of a world-renowned animal actor named ‘Stuart Little’ last night. While Blakk Frogg refuses to say WHY he visited an area of The City known for prostitution, gambling drugs and free wireless internet… the fact remains that Stuart Little has, in fact, passed on. View pic below for details:

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Yeah, sure,that looks like nothing like Stuart Little. So what. The title got you to click the link, right? 😛