A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, “What in the world are you doing?”
He replied, “I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”
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Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes.”
The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”
The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand… Chunks is my dog.”
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First off, let us say that we have not ventured into a Kentucky Fried Chicken food serving facility in YEARS because we found their food priced too high for what we thought it should have cost. Oh, and something they use in their food always made pretty much everyone we know do a “Dine’n’Dash” — not meaning they boned out on the check after the meal, but rather they ate and quickly dashed home to the comfort and solitude of their own private bathrooms.
Many rolls of toilet paper died a horrible fate after some KFC meals… Need we go into more detail than that?
So anyways, we decided to pick up a few of the new KFC Double Down sandwiches to see if the hype matched the allegedly meaty meal’s real nature.
Below you will see a picture of the ‘fried’ version. We wanted the ‘grilled version’, but the guy in front of us walked away with the last one.
If we had a nickel for each time we went to KFC and had to wait some ridiculous amount of time because they ran out something ‘right before we got there’, we’d have an eighteen wheeler full of nickels… and hence another reason why we gave up on the Colonel a long time ago: No one has given us any nickels for our inconvenience.
Getting back to the KFC Double Down review, though, first let us tell you that each sandwich costs a little more than $5 apiece.
Huh? What? $5 per SANDWICH? Wow.
So after scarfing down one of the fat and calorie bomb Double Downs we all agreed that they tasted good (we ordered ours w/ extra sauce), and also that none of us could figure out exactly what part of the sandwich gave it such a salty taste.
For anyone looking to fill up on just a sandwich, don’t bank on it if you have a hearty appetite. An average person could probably manage two of the sandwiches as a meal without too much difficulty.
As for the bacon, well, the KFC Double Down did, indeed, have two strips of bacon. Not much more we can say about the bacon other than the KFC Double Down would have lacked character without it.
Then again, we say that about ANYthing that has bacon on or in it…
One final note: We liked the fact that they threw pepper jack cheese into the mix instead of some generic, bland processed cheddar crap.
In 1986, Mike Mason was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mason approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mason worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mason stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mason never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mason was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mason and his son were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mason, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mason couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mason summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mason’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the really big shit that he really was.”
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A couple from Texas and a couple from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, “So, where ya’ll from?”
The east coast girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where ya’ll from, bitch?”
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the life and death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part, for his family, was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in…
And then the trouble started.
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She’s such a Bitch…
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “Well, dear, the f#ckin’ funeral director would be my first guess….”
