Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your 12-year old daughter “borrowed” it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said “yes.”
Bad: Your wife says “no.”
Worse: Wife caught the two of you and screamed, “Oh HELL no!”

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He’s gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s thirteen.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It’s counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.

Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”

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Two businessmen in NY City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn’t ready only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, “I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a deep Southern drawl asks, “What’re y’all sellin’ here?”

One of the men replies, “Oh! We’re selling assholes here.”

Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, “Well, I see y’all’re doing really good, y’all only got two left!”

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One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have crabs”

She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, “You probably have crabs.”

“NO” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it’s crabs because I am an eighty-year old virgin. It can’t be crabs.”

The doctor said, jump on the table and let’s have a look.”

After examining her the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, you’re right. You don’t have crabs… This cherry is so old, you have fruit flies!”

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A girl goes to confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.”

“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.

“Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission.”

“Do you mean like this??” He touches her arm.

“Yes Father.”

“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father he also touched my breasts.”

“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.

“Yes Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father, he took off my clothes.”

“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.

“Yes Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father he then put his you-know-what… in my you-know-where… and he wasn’t even using a condom.”

“Like this??” He put his you-know-what… in her you-know-where… without a condom.

“Yes father,” she says sometime later… after Father had finished with his you-know-what… in her you-know-where.

“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father,” the girl says… “He has AIDS.”

“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!”

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Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,” and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.”

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

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A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, “What is a specimen?”

He replies, “Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.”

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

“What in the world happened?” asked her husband.

“Damn if I know,” she replies. “I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.

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A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. “Sweetheart, you gotta’ work with me on this one, OK?” he says. “Buy a ticket…”

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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”

“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.”

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you’re probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

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