Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

When it comes to marriage, a lot of men ask, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Well, women have caught up, it seems, and they have come up with a slogan of their own to use because according to a recent survey, around 80% of single women prefer to be single….

Curious as to why they feel that way?

Because women realize it’s not worth buying the entire pig… just to get a little sausage.

A golfer looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, “Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree.”

You gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Well, OK… So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, “This just isn’t gonna be your day.”

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Oh man… the guy shoulda’ stayed home and read the stuff Blakk Frogg posts on Americas Best.

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Blakk Frogg does his part to keep the American MPG Rating as high as possible.

Are you doing YOUR part?

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments

Blakk Frogg received a version of the ‘alcoholic alphabet’ in an email earlier today and found it a little too…. bland. Therefore he added a few things quickly and re-posted it here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college, office holiday parties, weddings/funerals of relatives on the other side of your family and to some extent family reunions

B – Beer: Considered the most disgusting alcohol of all by many, but great for chugging and admit it, folks: the taste DOES grow on you after your first funnel

C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party and also the thing you no longer have once the fifth shot of Jose Cuervo kicks in

D – Dancing: A favorite pasttime of almost every drunk; usually looks pathetic and involves excessive spin moves, twirls, arm flailing and erratic head jerking motions

E – Emergency: The keg has run dry and you have no one over 21 in your drinking party OR you live in a state where they do not sell alcohol on Sundays

F – Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet or small shrub puking your guts out and crying to the Heavens to make the world stop rotating so damned fast

G – Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, chugging beers and making fun of other people because they happen to puke… before you do

H – Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was, how much you drank last night, and why you have only a handful of loose change left in your pocket despite having cashed your paycheck yesterday afternoon

I – Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party and tried to wash his hands in the fish tank

J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID that expired two years ago or stagger home through the back parking lot of the local police station

K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers… including the floor if not careful

L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol and the Person you ask not to let you hook up with anything TOO ugly after drinking five shots of Jager and 6 Irish Car Bombs in under an hour

M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying and paying your friends not to tell anyone about sasquatch you hooked up last Friday night

N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know, hope you didn’t sleep with, and hope to God you can avoid waking up while sneaking out of his or house/apartment/room

O – Ouch: What you say while falling on your ass when you’re trying to walk home OR what you say when a friend announces he/she will go home with a hideous companion

P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer and also the thing that bonds and unites all females at the party and causes them to take group field trips to the rest room all the time

Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning… because you hooked up with a lard ass whose also drunken ass didn’t get out of the way so you could make it to the bathroom in time. Stupid lard ass shoulda’ moved

R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet or inthe back of your friend’s new car because… the window didn’t go down in time. Stupid window

S – Sex: What you TRIED to do with that person you met last night while you were drunk… but passed out face down in her panties (or his boxers) instead

T – Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to realize there are only two beers left in the 12-pack and that I need to go to the store ASAP

U – Underage: Most of the drinking population at college bars

V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols because it mixes with pretty much ANYthing and allows inexperienced drinkers to get drunk in less than an hour

W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X – X-Ray: How they can see into your belly before they force a chalk milkshake down your throat and pump your stomach

Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend and STILL denies that you have ever done all those horrible things that your friend so kindly recorded with his new cellphone camera… Stupid cellphone cameras

Z – Zoned out: What you will be after drinking for 12 hours straight and not eating

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Looking for Alcohol and Drinking Related MySpace Comments?

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

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In thbe mood for Sarcastic MySpace Comments?

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I did.” he replied.

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh… She got fired too.”

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Find more jokes, and some even funnier ones, at Simply Frogg.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

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Laugh Your Ass Off at the Simply Frogg Jokes Page…..

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

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More great jokes at…… Simply Frogg!

Stop thinking with your groin….. and read on, ya’ filthy pervert!

Friday night I ventured out of the apartment to take in the local Rock Hill, SC nightlife at a ‘spot’ called The Money. Those familiar with Rock Hill have most likely heard of the place and have definite opinions about the place. In general, people either love it or hate it with NO inbetween opinions. I, for one, like the place, but then again I go there to drink a few at their outside bar and people watch, not to get laid… although I wouldn’t necessarily OPPOSE an opportunity like that if it came my way. I am human after all.

But anyways, let us return to the matter of a questionable pussy at an odd hour of the morning. I left around 10:30 PM and at that time, to my knowledge, we had no pussy in the apartment. My roommate, a guy, had gone to his bed over an hour ago and no one else had been at the apartment all night.

I returned home later that night, more like a few hours before dawn, and found myself staring at noisy pussy in my living room. Um, WTF?!? My roommate does not LIKE pussy — of the feline kind. He pretty much HATES pussy — of the feline kind.

So, mildly intoxicated and totally confused I attempted to figure out a plausible explanation for the unexpected presence of pussy in the apartment. A lamp had fallen off an end table to the floor and a set of blinds had also come down. Damn that pussy got wild in the apartment!

Nope. No logical answers could I come up with so naturally I yelled upstairs with the intention of awakening my roommate so we could talk about this new pussy that I found. He lumbered down the stairs and looked at me as though I had lost my damn mind. I HAD lost my damn mind and it was all over the mysterious pussy in the apartment.

He denied all knowledge of the pussy and alluded to the fact that I must have brought it home with me from the bar. Um, hello? I went to a bar, not an animal shelter! He said he heard a cat in the apartment and dismissed it as part of a dream… apparently my roommate does not find it odd to dream about strange pussy. I don’t know about you, but I recognize all the pussies in MY dreams!

So, in the interest of personal sanity I locked the pussy in my room with me and passed out. The pussy curled up behind me and purred its way to sleep, apparently content with my having stroked it for a while.

I woke up to the pleasant feeling of a pussy grinding against my thigh and quickly realized the pussy in my bed did not belong to me. I had to get rid of it quickly because strange pussy might have diseases and damn that pussy made a lot of noise!

So, after explaining to the pussy that it needed to get back to its home, I walked downstairs and pussy came right behind me. Spoke briefly with my roommate who had assumed his normal place in from the of the television watching college football and he re-stated his lack of knowledge about the origin of the pussy.

Well, given that we live in a moderate climate and the cat obviously had a home someplace in the complex, as evidenced by the fact its owner(s) had taken the time to clips its balls off at some point, we opened the front door and let the pussy go free. We didn’t kick it out or throw it out, though. We merely gave it the option to leave and as expected, the pussy looked out the doorway, looked back at us, meowed loudly with a cute purring sound mixed in, and headed out.

Funny how pussy can enter your life so unexpectedly and depart just the same. For those that have never seen pussy, I will share my pussy pics with you. Yep. Free pussy pics.

Stop snickering, ya’ filthy little pervert! And put away the hand lotion, too!

What makes this story so great? Aside from the gratuitous and almost completely unnecessary use of the word pussy, this really happened. Somehow the cat slipped into the apartment while one of us came or went that night and got trapped all by its lonesome until I staggered home at, um, well, that’s a secret.

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details.

Or putting it another way…Who’s yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

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Find more starnge, yet fuuny, stuff like this on Americas Best.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson, I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time…. well I don’t have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.