Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A study conducted by Blakk Frogg’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of man a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.

————————

It gets no funnier than Simply Frogg and Americas Best.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5′ 5″.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I scream, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on prozac!!

—————–

Americas Best and Simply Frogg will keep you laughing!

Blakk Frogg loves a good hospital emergency room story… as long as it didn’t come from events in HIS own life! Check out these wild’n’crazy, yet totally true stories from emergency rooms around the country:

FEMALE SOFA: A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. (got it confused for her vibrator maybe?)

PRICKLY PAIR… OUCH: In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “…a rat in her privates…” which bit him during sex (a natural conclusion, no?). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. (call the lawyers! call the lawyers!)

PING PONG ANYONE: A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you’d do the same, I’m sure!). The concrete then hardened (no need for psychics on THAT one!), causing constipation and extreme pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man’s rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Both now on display at the Museum of Bad Ideas in a town near you.)

BLIND DRUNK: A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (give him another drink and see what other parts this guy tries to remove!)

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH: A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. (carve it yourself steakhouses are fun!) The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (appetizer or main course?). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. (moral: any girl who gives bad head deserves a good, strong forking!)

————–

Find other stories to waste away the day at Simply Frogg

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

  — Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

 — Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. — Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. — Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

 — Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

 — Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? — Kelvin, age 8

– And the #1 Favorite is –

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. — Ricky, age 10

—————–

Get more useless stuff like this at Americas Best

WATER: It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. Tn other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.

However, Blakk Frogg wants you to know that we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Torecap what we have learned,

WATER = Doo Doo

WINE, BEER, LIQUOR = HEALTH

Blakk Frogg wants you to live long, healthy lives! Free yourself of shit… Drink WINE, BEER, and LIQUOR!

To sum all this up in a nice neat paskage, “It is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water and be full of it.”

No need to thank Blakk Frogg for this valuable information. Considerate this a public service announcement from your good friend and mine, the infamous Blakk Frogg.

Have a nice day…

——————

More stuff like this at Simply Frogg

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, whereupon the doctor said, “You are in fine shape for your age. Do you and hubby still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she replied.

She went out and yelled across the reception room, “Tom do we still have intercourse?”

Tom answered impatiently, “If I told you once, I told you a thousand times… We have Blue Cross!”

————–

Lots of jokes at Simply Frogg

For all of you that have ever wondered what a ‘nappy headed hoe’ really looks like, Blakk Frogg has the answer:

Americas Best MySpace Political Comments

Any questions?

————–

More unusual stuff like this at Americas Best.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

————–

Like Sarcasm?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

———–

Lots more jokes like this one on Simply Frogg

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes.”

The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand… Chunks is my dog.”

Sarcastic MySpace Comments