Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”

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Oh man…. That joke sucked.  The other jokes on Simply Frogg are better, I promise.  Most of ’em, at least….  Most of ’em.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from North Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down…. and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers… and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”

Moral –

• Not all Southerners are stupid.
• Not all blondes are dumb.
• But all men….. are men.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spooky Dude.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ” ary with the Cherry”.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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More great jokes at Simply Frogg, damn it!

– If the enemy is in range, so are you.

– Incoming fire has the right of way.

– Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.

– There is always a way.

– The easy way is always mined.

– Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

– Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

– The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you’re ready for them. b. When you’re not ready for them.

– Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

– If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

– The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

– A “sucking chest wound” is natures way of telling you to slow down.

– If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

– Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

– Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

– Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.

– Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

– If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

– When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

– Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in the fun

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!,” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said “On your way, Ma’am.”

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front other, Butt-Naked, and holding his “You-Know-What” in his hand.

“Oh, good grief,” yelled Ethel, “Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!”

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Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy….. “Will you marry me?”

The guy said “NO!” and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.

The End.

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Q. What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
A. You can enjoy all but the head.

Q. What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
A. They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

Q. What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
A. They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Q. Why can’t a man be both good looking and intelligent?
A. Since that would make him a woman.

Q. Why is a man’s brain the size of a peanut?
A. Because it is swollen.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive end.

Q. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.

Q. Why are men like the letter Q?
A. Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.

Q. Why do fewer women get married these days?
A. Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the living room.

Q. What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A. They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

Q. Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
A. It is rarer.

Q. Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
A. They cannot handle the criticism.

Q. What do you call an attractive, intelligent and sensitive man.
A. A rumor.

Q. Why don’t men go through menopause?
A. They never left puberty.

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Students were assigned to read 2 books, “Titanic” & “My Life” by Bill Clinton. One smartass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica… ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary…basically the same thing!

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The jokes come fast and furious at Americas Best

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: “Really, sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”

The little girl explained, “Well… Okay… the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s how you get babies.”

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, “Oh, honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get babies. That’s how you get jewelry.”

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Yep. Blakk Frogg definitley pissed off some folks with that joke……  Good.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes …. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The guy says, “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

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Yep. Blakk Frogg loves a good joke….. and there are lots of them on SimplyFrogg.Com