Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to…

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first”

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops…I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

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Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

‘Hello?’ she cried, but no answer .

‘Is there anyone here?’ she cried a l ittle louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice, ‘HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?’

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away…….

‘We’re down here!’

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You’ll laugh your ass off at Simply Frogg Jokes, damn you!

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB’s in the other. He tripped and the BB’s, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny’s mother and said, “Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?”

Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?”

“Well,” said Mary, “this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!”

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It was the stir of the town when a white 80-year-old man married a white 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”

He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”

He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”

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The intricacies of male-female relationships has plagued both men and women since the beginning of time and for all you ladies who have not yet quite figured out what guys’ words mean, Blakk Frogg would like to offer you this handy guide:

Haven’t I seen you before? = Nice ass

I’m a Romantic = I’m poor

I need you” = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I’m sick of masturbation

You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It’s just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head

She’s kind of cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue in the face

I don’t know if I like her = She won’t sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I’m insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you?

Oh, so you love me? = I’ve done something stupid and you might find out

Do you ‘really’ love me? = I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I’ll give you a call = I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I’ve been thinking a lot = You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You’re ugly

I’ve learned a lot from you = Next

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1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….”Where did the time go??”

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. “BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL…ASAP”.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You’re on the phone and say “BRB”.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

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Blakk Frogg has entered an Internt Addiction Recovery Group….. so he can meet all those cyber-hot spammer chicks on MySpace!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

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Yep. Twisted stuff like this on Simply Frogg Jokes Pages is like…. water being wet.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door.”

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open did you see a tall, proud soldier standing in there at attention?”

The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

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One Monday morning, Roy, the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

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Get your jollies at Sarcastic MySpace.

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.

2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. “Mom, I’m in McDonald’s and they’re playing our song. I love you.”

4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn’t want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something??

5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6. Drunk texting is alright… if you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.

7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they’ve ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8. You can also call this same ex and let him/her know, that you know that he/she still loves you. Then explain to him/her that “I would still love me too!”

9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.

10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.

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11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed… never angry.

12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”.

13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.

14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.

15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s phone to do your dialing.

16. Drunk dialing to a foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But, if you really feel like if you don’t call this person you’ll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend’s phone.

17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffin… be prepared.

18. When dialing remember that “hanging out” at 3 in the a.m. usually doesn’t involve cards it’s probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk… “you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?”

19. Don’t drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far too drunk to be using electronics and you won’t be able to drunk dial anymore that night.

20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend’s parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes.

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Blakk Frogg loves drunk dialing and MySpace Alcohol Comments.