Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

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A 78-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 78-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked Marie for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked, to say the very least! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open”.

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After questioning 100,000 women from all walks of life, an independent survey company determined that if woman woke up with a penis for just one day, she’d do the following things:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blowjob.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9… until the balance of the 24 hours expired.

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I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”

I didn’t respond… or even know HOW to respond, so after the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

I’m NEVER going back to that doctor ever!

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt.

“Get your hand out of there!” she shouts. “Don’t you know that women have teeth down there?”

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn’t get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he’s 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, “You know, you could go a little further if you want.”

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“Well, why don’t you put your hand down there?” she says, pointing to her crotch.

“HELL NO!” he cries, “you’ve got teeth down here!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she responds, “there’s no such thing as teeth down there!”

“Yes there are,” he says, “my Mom told me so.”

“No there aren’t,” she insists. “Here, look for yourself.” With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

“No I’m sorry” he says. “My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there.”

“Oh for crying out loud!” she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, “LOOK, I DON’T have any teeth down there.”

The boy takes a good long look and replies, “Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I’m not surprised!”

1. I’ll swallow it all… I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!

4. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25 Things a Woman COULD Say: Page 1
25 Things a Woman COULD Say: Page 2
25 Things a Woman COULD Say: Page 3
25 Things a Woman COULD Say: Page 4
25 Things a Woman COULD Say: Page 5

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” replied the little girl, shyly.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie,” the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, “Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!”

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GENERAL RULES

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

2. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

4. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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DINING OUT

1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

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PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone….. Deodorant is a waste of good money.

Next Rules for Redneck Living Page

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You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.

We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car…

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9 Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.