Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard”

He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.”

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper”

There were three plastic surgeons having cocktails and boasting on particular skills and achievements.

The first doctor says, “I’m so good that one patient of mine lost all the digits of both hands. I reattached them with such cunning that today his is an award-winning concert pianist who plays all over the world.”

The second doctor says, “I’m better for I had a patient who lost both his arms and legs. I reattached with such artistry that today his is an olympic gold medalist in both winter and summer games.”

The third doctor says, “Yes, those are OK, but I had a patient once and all I had to work with was a cowboy hat and an asshole and today he is president of the United States.”

ON COWS:

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

ON THE CONSTITUTION:

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq , why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse…….. You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a hostile work environment.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

“Stanley,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Stanley?”

“I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?” Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says … “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand.

George points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“Actually, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?”

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Steve was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Steve tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old man.

Steve looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The Navajo oman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, “Good trade…..”

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.

She looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.

I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”

With gas prices as high as they are, some people have started using ‘gas additives’ to increase the number of miles per gallon their vehicles get.  While some folks go with traditional gas additives, others have resorted to ‘alternative gas additives’. . . .

Consumer Reports has not yet issued a study on the effectiveness of ‘alternative gas additives’, but this guy doesn’t care. He’s doing his part to cut back on fossil fuel consumption and that, friends, is all he cares about.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called -(Beer)- The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague idea something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as a relationship. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as marriage. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ‘Beer‘ and the women administering it… there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest to you, just look up ‘Golf Courses‘, ‘Bar & Grill‘ or ‘Tavern‘ in your local phone book.

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk…
but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow…
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store…
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

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7. This feels so good, it feels so right…
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class…
especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished.
But now I’m fulfilled… SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

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4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown but so has your ass.

3. You’re a honey and you’re a cutie…
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty.”

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny…
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

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1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister…
you should see the one I gave your sister.

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