Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

We write this blog entry for the REAL motherfroggers out there in Bacon Land… for the HARDWORKING bastards (like us) who just can’t seem to catch a break these days.

The other week we ran into some serious financial woes and found ourselves scrounging for change in the sofa cushions and having to actually plan our meals instead of just opening the fridge/freezer, picking a bacon, selecting a ’side item’, cooking and eating.

Below you will see chicken breasts that we cut into smaller, no longer man-sized portions, and wrapped w/ a few slices of black pepper bacon we had left over from a previous bacon feast.

Pepper Bacon Wrapped Chicken Chunks

Though we did feel incredibly grateful that we at least had food to eat, making what you see in the photo last for 2 dinners and 2 lunches really sucked. Thankfully we had lots of crack cocaine to smoke between meals so we never felt any hunger pains. LOL.

The other day a friend sent us a picture that made our mouths water more than normal. And yes, you dumbass, the picture had bacon in it.

Bacon Wrapped Scallops at Buck Ridge Plantation

Now just imagine getting a picture of a TROUGH filled w/ bacon-wrapped scallops — after you’d just finished eating a lame ass, generic brand hot dog. Granted the hot dog had a jacket of bacon, but still… Scallops trump hot dog ANY damn day!

WTF is Buck Ridge Plantation?

So glad you asked! Our friends tell us people travel from all over the SC area to go there, stay for a few days, and do some serious deer hunting… or they go there for a wedding. LOL.

Seriously, though. The place has a ton of natural, South Carolina wilderness surrounding well-maintained, modern banquet halls and stuff. Clearly an ideal place to have a beautiful wedding — or blast a hole in some of Mother Nature’s best woodland creatures — and kick back with a bucket of bacon-wrapped scallops and cold beer!

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

“U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

“Water-boarding is out so kill them all!”

“Interrogators can’t water-board dead guys”

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“U.S. Marines – Travel Agents To Allah”

“Stop Global Whining”

“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”

“Navy seals – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

“Death Smiles At Everyone – Delta Force Smile Back”

“Army Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775”

“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

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“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”

“Do Draft-Dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?”

“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”

“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”

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Everyone knows we love bacon and that we judge all things solely on their bacon content. OK, so not all things, but it almost sounded believable for a minute, right?

At any rate, when you go out for lunch and order a sandwich with bacon in it, you expect to get real bacon, not some lame excuse for bacon. Limp, greasy strips of mystery ‘meat’ need not apply!

So it should come as no surprise that we frequent a hot little lunch spot called Four Moons Internet Cafe in Orangeburg, SC because it has the best looking and tasting bacon of ANY lunch spot in the area. They use good quality Applewood Bacon and cook it just right so that you get a perfect crispiness-to-meatiness ratio when you bite into your sandwich.

Need proof? We thought you would, so we asked the proprietor to snap us a picture of the bacon they use before it goes on a sandwich. Check it out!

Great Lookin’ Applewood Bacon at Four Moons Internet Cafe

Damn… Judging by the amount of drooling going on right now, it seems as though lunch plans just got made for tomorrow! Hope to see ya’ there!

Advice for Other Lunch Shops:

• See the bacon above? If you bacon doesn’t like as good or better, then your sandwiches will suck moose crap!

• No deli should even consider calling itself ‘Gourmet’ unless they take as much care and concern for the quality of the bacon they top a sandwich with as they do all the other ingredients. No one cares about a sandwich made w/ fresh bread or a fancy mustard spread if the bacon sucks, ya’ dig?

• A lot more people judge a deli by its bacon than you think. Know why? Because delis charge extra for it and 99.9% of people inthis world pay close attention to the things they have to pay extra for. Think about it!

• Go have lunch at Four Moons Internet Cafe, enjoy your meal, and while you’re there… try learn a thing or two about the proper usage of bacon on a sandwich, will ya’?

As would only make sense on a web site devoted to bacon and all its salty, meaty goodness… we will now present the most popular entries on More Bacon Please for the month of December. So get your bibs on, people! It’s BACON TIME!

• Duck Prosciutto Wrapped Melon Sorbet — Talk about a delicious idea! Not bacon, no, but contained meat and tasted so good we gave it an Honorary Bacon Degree!

• Breakfast Meats Cure Hangovers — Groundbreaking new study ‘proves’ something we always suspected.

• Have a Threesome With Bacon — Get your minds out of the gutter, people! You should feel ashamed that you had those dirty, dirty thoughts… though we had them, too, so…

• Bacon Flavored Ice Cream — Although we do not approve of this product, we do approve of the word bacon in its title and on its ingredients list. We just refuse to eat bacon flavored ice cream.

• The Better Bacon Sandwich — Time to decide which sandwich with bacon you would choose. Granted we think it a sin to EVER pass up a chance to eat bacon, but just pretend for a minute that you HAD to choose only on sandwich that had bacon on it… We said pretend, damn it!

And this entry gets honorable mention… ‘cuz WE liked it even if the rest of you didn’t!

• Bacon Wrapped Kielbasa Links — Do we REALLY need to explain WHY we liked this entry so much? Huh? Do we? Bacon… Kielbasa… Mmmmm…

2009 has come and gone just as all the years before it and at various times throughout 2009 everyone laughed, cried, held their breath at times, panicked a bit, flew off the handle a few dozen times. . . and maybe some of you lucky bastards even got laid a few times.

In honor of last year’s timely demise, Blakk Frogg will now reveal the most popular Blakk Frogg Joke Blog Postings for the Filthy-Minded Masses. Enjoy!

• Potato Prostitute?
• Sarcastic Motivational Posters
• Dirty-Minded MySpace Comment Pictures
• Seven Types of Sex
• Cheerleader Spin the Bottle
• Carolina Panthers Cheerleader Booty
• Dear Abby Bass Fishing Letter
• Humor for Mature Minded Individuals
• Funny Jokes for Adults
• Love the Harley Davidson

Well we hope you enjoyed 2009’s most popular perversions and will continue to tune into Da’ Blakk Frogg Joke Blog in 2010… ‘cuz we promise to keep posting stuff you will most likely deny ever reading!

Oh, and before we go, you really should Click Here to See Me Naked. Ha ha…

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said…

“Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

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It amazes Blakk Frogg that signs like this get posted. Seriously, folks… If you have to look at a sign like this for instructions on how to properly check a baby’s diaper, well, maybe you ought not to have had children in the first place! Does it take a rocket scientist to figure out that jamming your hand down the back of a diaper to check for poop will end badly most times?

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Oh, now you certainly didn’t think Blakk Frogg had nothing more to add to this early morning posting, did you? Shame on you! Blakk Frogg can ALWAYS find a way to expand on something as ridiculous as diaper changing instructions!

Watch this:

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Yep. He got the ‘poo finger’ and wants to wipe it on you!

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following tems on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

“First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.”

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue… salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys… smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks… this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits… At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Jesus, what do you call that drink?”

She smiles widely at him and says, “Blow Job Revenge.”

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