Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

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6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say ?that?s much better?. Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen?s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

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11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can?t get key in door. Realise you?ve given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

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A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.” With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her body piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am but its only eight years. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact th at marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m almost 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled “SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!”

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A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“We know,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at ‘Wal-mart’ any more either….”

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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“I don’t think so,” said the foreman: “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.”

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The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink.

A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says “You the Lone Ranger?”

“Yes, I am” the Lone Ranger replies.

“Oh,” says the man dressed in black, “Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?”

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Stop staring at your sister’s droopy butt and pay attention! Below you will find the most popular pics on MySpaceSarcasm.Com for March 2010. Now go get me a beer, you lazy freak!

cut-n-paste the code to use the image on blogs, profiles, comments.. and your mom’s forehead!
<a href="http://myspacesarcasm.com" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://myspacesarcasm.com/myspace-motivational-comments/4/pics_motivational-20-to-life.jpg" border="1" alt="MySpace Sarcasm"><br /><strong>Visit MySpace Sarcasm if…</strong></a><br /><em>you like peanut butter between your toes</em>

cut-n-paste the code to use the image on blogs, profiles, comments.. and your mom’s forehead!
<a href="http://myspacesarcasm.com" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://myspacesarcasm.com/myspace-motivational-comments/6/pics_motivational-domestic-violence.jpg" border="1" alt="MySpace Sarcasm"><br /><strong>Visit MySpace Sarcasm if…</strong></a><br /><em>you like peanut butter between your toes</em>

cut-n-paste the code to use the image on blogs, profiles, comments.. and your mom’s forehead!
<a href="http://myspacesarcasm.com" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://myspacesarcasm.com/myspace-motivational-comments/2/pics_motivation-jiu-jitsu.jpg" border="1" alt="MySpace Sarcasm"><br /><strong>Visit MySpace Sarcasm if…</strong></a><br /><em>you like peanut butter between your toes</em>

cut-n-paste the code to use the image on blogs, profiles, comments.. and your mom’s forehead!
<a href="http://myspacesarcasm.com" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://myspacesarcasm.com/myspace-animated-comments/17/pics_animated-stormtrooper-doing-her-from-behind.gif" border="1" alt="MySpace Sarcasm"><br /><strong>Visit MySpace Sarcasm if…</strong></a><br /><em>you like peanut butter between your toes</em>

cut-n-paste the code to use the image on blogs, profiles, comments.. and your mom’s forehead!
<a href="http://myspacesarcasm.com" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://myspacesarcasm.com/myspace-motivational-comments/5/pics_motivational-bling-hairy-whales.jpg" border="1" alt="MySpace Sarcasm"><br /><strong>Visit MySpace Sarcasm if…</strong></a><br /><em>you like peanut butter between your toes</em>

Ordinarily we’d claim beer or some other alcoholic beverage made us take a picture of bacon cooking in the pan from some weird angle but no, that didn’t happen this time. we just felt like making a certain percentage of our readers nauseous… or at the very least we wanted then to turn their heads like curious dogs when they look at the picture.

Bacon Cooking in the Pan… All Angled and Stuff.

A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies “down the hall and to the left”.

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “down the hall and to the left”.

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him “well aren’t you going to ask where the bathroom is?” The pig replies, ” no, I am going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

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