Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said. “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself, too.”

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A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they’re really impressed.

After the game they ask her, “How is it that you know so much about baseball?”

She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.”

The guys are amazed… and very curious about the process. “What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off your balls?”

“That was very painful, but that also was not the most painful part.”

“Well then what WAS the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they… cut my salary in half!”

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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one… right here.”

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.”

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay… How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t” she says.

“I was behind you at McDonalds.”

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard”

He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.”

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper”

There were three plastic surgeons having cocktails and boasting on particular skills and achievements.

The first doctor says, “I’m so good that one patient of mine lost all the digits of both hands. I reattached them with such cunning that today his is an award-winning concert pianist who plays all over the world.”

The second doctor says, “I’m better for I had a patient who lost both his arms and legs. I reattached with such artistry that today his is an olympic gold medalist in both winter and summer games.”

The third doctor says, “Yes, those are OK, but I had a patient once and all I had to work with was a cowboy hat and an asshole and today he is president of the United States.”

ON COWS:

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

ON THE CONSTITUTION:

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq , why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse…….. You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a hostile work environment.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

“Stanley,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Stanley?”

“I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?” Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says … “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand.

George points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“Actually, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?”

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Steve was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Steve tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old man.

Steve looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The Navajo oman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, “Good trade…..”