Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got 3 people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. “No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said… “Monica, you’re free to go!”

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come”.

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”

The Indian nonchalantly replies, “ear sticky.”

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and Says, “And you are no good in bed either,” And storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband Says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early? Doing what?”

She calmly replied, “Getting a second opinion!”

A man has six children and is very proud of his Achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her Objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his Voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

Finally, the guys’ side of the story comes to light. We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1” …. ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

An Israeli doctor says “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor says “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says “You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for two years, and now half the country is looking for work.”

Blakk Frogg questions the intelligence of many people on a regular basis. Why? Because he reads stuff like this all the time; and it never ceases to amaze him that people like this have survived as long as they have.

Stupid Person #1

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

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Stupid Person #2

Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

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Stupid Person #3

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The Mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency Room!

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady from his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the young woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?

“Sure”, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realizing that she’d had far too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. As he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around on the floor for a minute or two, the Reverend somehow wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist revealing she had no undies on.

The pub landlord looked over and said, “Aye, mate, we won’t have any of that sort carrying on in this here pub.”

The embarrassed reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But sir, ya don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The landlord nodded and said, “Oh well, if ye’re that far in lad, ya’ might just as well finish the job.”

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the Holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. “I’m Gayle Payne from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.”

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There were five Houses of Worship in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Due to some seriously bad fires in the surrounding forests, each House of Worship found itself overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The METHODIST CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But — The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called ‘circumcision’ and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

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