Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”

The girl said “No” and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

A turtle was sitting one day in the woods, just about to crack open a beer when the neighborhood bunny comes hopping up to his stoop.

“Don’t drink that beer. Come frolick and jump and play in the woods with me!”

SO the turtle does just that, and runs off into the woods with the rabbit.

Down the road, a deer was looking to eat some shrooms when the bunny and the turtle came bouncing around.

“Dont eat those ‘shrooms, dear old friend Mr. Deer, come folick and jump and dance and play in the fields with the turtle and me!”

So the deer put down his shrooms and went off hopping with the bunny and the turtle.

A little bit further down the road, a bear was rolling a joint and getting ready to get high when the bunny, the turtle and the deer came bouncing up to him.

“Oh, great Mr. bear, dont smoke that weed, come frolick and jump and dance and sing and pl…”

Mr. bear knocked the bunny out cold with an overhand right, much to the stunned silence of the turtle and the deer.

“What did you do that for?” asked the turtle.

“I fucking hate it when that damn bunny’s on ecstasy.”

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

“Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing gets!!”

Several men are in the locker room of a very prestigious and expensive golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, …go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, “Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.”

His wife was hurt, but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.”

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, and I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.”

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, “You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees!”

Some things are sacred.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Two patients limp into two different Medical Clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another month, and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever; The second is a Senior Citizen.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.'”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence.'”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2,” hard bodied, well hung, Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, “My God…”

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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for many years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning, post-fart, she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the bits of the turkey which are not used – the neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, you know “The Giblets” – and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts etc into the back of them.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “You were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened …… but by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

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Dave walks into a bar and sees Henry sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, “Henry, what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’

So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’

She couldn’t swim, Dave. She couldn’t swim!”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees Henry sitting at the end of the bar counter with an even bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, “What are you happy about today Henry?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me, tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’

She couldn’t swim, Dave! She couldn’t swim!

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees Henry down there cryin’ over a beer. Dave says, “Henry, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable, georgeous brunette came up to me…tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I tell ya I had more wood than my boat does!

She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’

So I took her way out, Dave, way WAAAYYY out…much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’

She pulled down her pants and…. She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG fuckin’ dick!……. And I can’t swim Dave! I can’t swim, man!!!!!!

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