Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

Wow, you have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end…

He said… Want a quickie?

She said… As opposed to what?

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

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He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.She said… You wear briefs, don’t you?

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He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?She said… Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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He said… This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!She said… No problem, I’ll get you some that is.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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Priest… I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.She said… Who’s gonna look?

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He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?She said… No, have you?

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He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said… Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

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He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.She said… Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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He said… Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said… I would, but you’re never there.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said… That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said… Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

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AND FINALLY ONE FOR THE GUYS!

She said… What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

Americas Best MySpace Drinking Comments

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #1: MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Chili #2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Chili #3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Chili #4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Chili #5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Chili #6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Chili #7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Blakk Frogg says, “Steven Wright a very funny guy. Don’t know if he’d make a very funny woman, though.”

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One of my favorite comics, as I stated in an edition of americas-best.com, was, and still is, a strange fellow named Steven Wright.

Ever so simple and direct, his words speak volumes.

Below are 20 of statements he’s made. If you’re anything like me, you’ll really enjoy reading them.

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said, “Implants?”

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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I have my own little world. But it’s OK…they know me here.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas… I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead’s.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wisewords: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

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Find more awesome Steven Wright stuff at his official website.

Blakk Frogg says, “Drinking heavily makes world a blurry place to live. I meant ‘better’, damn it.”

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A guy went into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The bartender says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy went into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was this time and the answer came back, “I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!”

On the third day the guy went into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

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Blakk Frogg has a friend who likes to drink. Yes, it’s true, and recently this friend posted this bulletin on MySpace:

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Here is a list of things that I learned in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that I found rather amusing. My main reason for posting this is because I am debating on stealing more of Pop’s liquor. I probably won’t, but I’m thinking about it just the same.

1) There is ALWAYS at least one hot chick getting treatment.

2) That hot chick is ALWAYS single.

3) That hot chick is NOT quitting.

4) If you tell nothing but maniacal drinking stories, everyone else in the group will actually try to help you get with the hot chick (proven through countless hot chicks at countless meetings).

5) If you are an alcoholic, you can die by quitting cold turkey. No other addiction can do that to you. (proven fact).

6) Just because you are going to a meeting that has other alcoholics, doesn’t mean they they still want to continue drinking.

7) Talking about “partying” and such is considered “Rude” to people that are actually trying to quit. Why you are talking to someone who wants to give up drinking, I don’t know.

8) If you get caught talking about partying during your treatment, you have to start all over again. Sometimes with more classes.

9) You will meet people from all walks of life. If you are majoring in Sociology, you will enjoy these meetings. If you are not, you can still learn new drinks, new drinking methods, and new ways to hide drinking from those who tell their stories.

10) IT’S EXPENSIVE!!!!! So don’t get caught with a DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

There you go everyone. Now off I go to make myself a Long Island. If I take a little of each, I shouldn’t get caught…. rather than taking one big drink from just one big bottle.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Americas Best MySpace Random Comments

Thanks for tuning in to see the top fifteen MySpace Comments on Americas-Best.Com for the month of January 2007! You picked ’em so don’t blame us, damn it!

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Popular MySpace Comments 6 – 10

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Blakk Frogg says, “One good turn deserves another, so turn around, go to the bar, and get me a beer!”

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent,” said the barman.

“One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” the barman replied.

“A nickel?!?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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