Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end…

He said… Want a quickie?

She said… As opposed to what?

Americas Best MySpace Sex Comments

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He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.She said… You wear briefs, don’t you?

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He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?She said… Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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He said… This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!She said… No problem, I’ll get you some that is.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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Priest… I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.She said… Who’s gonna look?

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He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?She said… No, have you?

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He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said… Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

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He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.She said… Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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He said… Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said… I would, but you’re never there.

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He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.She said… Well, you succeeded.

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He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said… That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said… Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

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AND FINALLY ONE FOR THE GUYS!

She said… What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

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