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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking wine and beer…

It Scared the shit out of me.

So that’s it!

After today, no more reading.

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Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped and fell over the bridge
railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The 1st kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

Hillary said, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Senator’s airplane.”

The 2nd kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

Hillary said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The 3rd kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass.”

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Never in my life would I consider that a rational idea until…

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So step right up, all you suicide bombing bastards. Just detonate away from others, or in the company of those you trained with, and we’ll get (what’s left of) you properly buried in no time.

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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb,” (fireworks are legal in Alabama) “light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

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