Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in [...]

A girl goes to confession.
“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.”
“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.
“Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission.”
“Do you mean like this??” He touches her arm.
“Yes Father.”
“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But Father he also touched my breasts.”
“You mean like this??” [...]

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have crabs”
She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. [...]

Two business men in NY City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn’t ready only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, “I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what [...]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve [...]

Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Bad: [...]