A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said…
“Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
There’s this couple and they’ve been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won’t sleep with him because she’s saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he’s very hot and bothered, and he said, “Oh come on, just a feel.”
She said, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
They went back and forth. He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says, “No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in… he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town… she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, “OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!”
A little stunned, he says, “NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
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Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, “How do you spell ‘dumb’?”
Darla said, “D-u-m-b, dumb.”
The teacher said, “Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”
The girl said, “Buckwheat is dumb.”
Now spell “stupid.”
Darla said, “S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.”
The teacher said, “Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”
Darla said, “Buckwheat is stupid.”
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, “Buckwheat, spell ‘dictate.'”
Buckwheat stood up and said, “D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”
The teacher replied, “Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”
“I may be dumb, and I may be stupid. . . . but Darla says my dictate good.”
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A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’ She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.
“Carl,” she says.
Carl says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps ’cause they’re contagious.”
“Very good,” says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious.”
The teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!”
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. “Yes, Johnny?”
Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin’ around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, ‘Jesus, it’s gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'”
[ Taco Bell Dog Addicted to Heroin? ]
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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I have not, Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
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Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going…
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.
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