There were five Houses of Worship in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Due to some seriously bad fires in the surrounding forests, each House of Worship found itself overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The METHODIST CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But — The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called ‘circumcision’ and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.
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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.”
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad and asks “But what about the $1,000?”
He replied, “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them”
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A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving”. The mother went in and told her son, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house.” Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don’t want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today”.
“For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep.
Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them “Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna’ land in…. and there it’ll be!”
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out “Bananas!” and lands in a pool of bananas.
The second guy was money hungry and yelled out “Money!” and lands in a pile of money.
The third guy gets a running start, slips on a banana peel left over from the first guy, and yells out “Shit!” as he sails clumsily off the end of the diving board….
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