Blakk Frogg Joke Blog

Take your life in your own hands, and what happens?

A terrible thing:

No one to blame.

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Joe told him; “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.”

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Blakk Frogg wants a bicycle, too, damn it….

Most of us have had the unfortunate pleasure of going into work with a hangover. Life gets pretty amusing for the span of time that you spend at work after downing a few too many brewskis, taking too many shots, and mixing too many different liquors the night before; especially if you get MAYBE, at BEST, two or three hours of sleep.

So, without further ado, “You know you’re in bad shape at work when…“

1. The phone looks “too heavy to lift” when it rings.
2. You groan every time you go to reach for the mouse.
3. The thought of going to lunch sounds too much like work.
4. Fax machines remind you of horror film sound effects.
5. The clock snickers at you.
6. Co-workers refuse to enter the bathroom after you for fear of what you may leave in there.
7. Mt. Dew tastes like an elixir of the gods.
8. You empty the water cooler by yourself…. And still can’t pee.
9. Every time you exhale, a key on your keyboard melts.
10. The mouthpiece on your phone gets disinfected by the vapors in your breath.
11. Fluorescent lighting above you starts to sizzle your skin.
12. The computer monitor in front of you looks and acts like a spotlight.
13. You begin to sweat acetone from your eyelids.
14. The idea of pooping your pants at your desk does not sound all that bad anymore.
15. It feels like someone lit your eyeballs on fire with a road flare.
16. Although the thought of alcohol offends you, Happy Hour still sounds like fun after work.
17. You cannot, for the life of you, figure out what is so Happy about Happy Hour anymore.
18. The hamster in your thought wheel is playing with a jackhammer.
19. Elevator music offends you… a lot more than usual.

Thank you for reading an honest to goodness Blakk Frogg original.  Now somebody PLEASE get Blakk Frogg a beer!

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. “You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?

“OK,” says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don’t know shit?”

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An atheist decided to take a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charging towards him. His heart pumped frantically. As he tried to run, he tripped and fell to the ground.

As he rolled over to pick himself and continue running he saw that the bear had caught up to him and stood tall, raising its paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant he cried out: “Oh my God!”

Time stopped, the bear froze in place, and the forest had fallen silent.

Suddenly a bright light shined down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

Very well, said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the rest resumed.

And the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.”

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Mmmmm Mmmmm Good. Athiest stew. Sounds like a yummy food.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears o! ne of them say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country . . we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.? “Who talkin’ abouta’ sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda’ how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”

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Too bad one of the men didn’t have a Sarcastic MySpace Comment to ‘throw at the old bag, right?

In other news, a string of seemingly unrelated car crashes throughout the city baffled police for hours until once very astute patrolman noticed a ‘suspicious’ woman seen walking in the background of all the surveillance tapes taken from the areas surrounding each car wreck.

Immediately an APB (All Points Bulletin) went out over the radio and within minutes an officer spotted the woman and confronted her.  Here’s what happened:

Sarcastic MySpace Comments

The officer issued the woman a ‘warning’ and released the woman without incident.

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Yep. Some women really love Sarcasm and others really like Blakk Frogg…….

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

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Find Girls for MySpace that are MUCH hotter than Johnny’s teacher here.

A girl goes to confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.”

“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.

“Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission.”

“Do you mean like this??” He touches her arm.

“Yes Father.”

“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father he also touched my breasts.”

“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.

“Yes Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father, he took off my clothes.”

“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.

“Yes Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But Father he then put his you-know-what… in my you-know-where… and he wasn’t even using a condom.”

“Like this??” He put his you-know-what… in her you-know-where… without a condom.

“Yes father,” she says sometime later… after Father had finished with his you-know-what… in her you-know-where.

“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father,” the girl says… “He has AIDS.”

“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!”

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Find more offensive jokes like that on Simply Frogg, but only if you promise to wash your hands thoroughly afterwards.

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have crabs”

She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, “You probably have crabs” “NO” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it’s crabs because I am an eighty-year old virgin. It can’t be crabs.”

The doctor said, jump on the table and let’s have a look.”

After examining her the doctor proclaimed,

“Ma’am, you”re right, you don’t have crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies!

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